apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Randomize
