It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
