Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
