I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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