Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
