She's JV to your varsity
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
