I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
