I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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