I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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