I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
