im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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