if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
