How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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