I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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