i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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