there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
