I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
