I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
