VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
