anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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