Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
