He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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