I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
