im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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