so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize