I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
