omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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