ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
