U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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