the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
