bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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