Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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