The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
