I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
