1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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