Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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