you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
