; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
