Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
