You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
