Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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