No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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