I wish I could punch you in the face.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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