If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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