Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
