watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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