I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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