Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
