Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
