Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
