sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
