Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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