i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
