As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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