she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
